Phobic

Hi there. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt="" title="Hi!"/>

Before I start my critique: an introduction and a disclaimer. I'm one of the critics over at #Live-Love-Write. Thank you so much for using the group's critique service! We hope that you'll find this critique useful, and please feel free to submit again in the future. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/> Also, the following critique is comprised of suggestions and tips only. If you disagree with any of them, please feel free to disregard them; use only what you find useful. Remember: it's your piece, and you get the final say. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Thumbs Up"/>

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So, first things first, I think this is a compelling, thought-provoking, deeply relevant, and heartfelt piece that communicates a desperately needed message. I know so many Islamic individuals who suffer such undue persecution because of the acts of a very small group of extremists, and I know so many non-Islamic people who have been convinced by propaganda that all Muslims are fanatical war-mongering extremists. This eloquently expresses the frustration felt by many (Muslim and non-Muslim alike, I’ll add) with this unfair treatment, stereotyping, and even ethno-religious based hate-mongering. More than that, it works to dispel these myths. I really love that it simultaneously identifies the problem, expresses the personal-emotional side of this pressing social issues, giving it a face, and helps in the provision of a solution, in this case through awareness about the true nature of the Islamic religion. I also love that you challenge both the non-Muslim stereotypers and the small factions of extremists who misuse the Quran to justify violence, urging both this groups to respect Quran and the true nature of the Islamic faith. Well done. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/t/t…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Thumbs Up"/>

I do, however, think that it could benefit from some revisions, edits, and polishing to make it flow better as a spoken word piece. I imagine this as a very angry, edgy, funky slam poetry piece, and if you have a recording of you performing it, please send it my way! I love slam poetry and I would be absolutely thrilled to hear it. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>

The major issues that I’ve picked up during my read-throughs are three-fold: 1) rhyming and rhythm are sometimes off, 2) flow is sometimes broken unnecessarily, and interconnect to these two points, 3) unnecessary wordiness. I’ll use a line by line of the piece to discuss these in specific instances, and offer suggestions. This breaks a little bit from my usual format for critiquing, so if it gets confusing, please let me know and I’ll clarify. And do ask questions about anything that is unclear, and please feel free to discuss these suggestions further if you feel the need. I don’t bite, I promise. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Big Grin)"/>

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So if you're Islamophobic I feel bad for you son

I've got ninety-nine problems but Islam isn't one

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I love this opening. The “ninety-nine problems” approach is frequently used, and could be called clichéd, but here I think you’ve used this quality to your advantage. This is a spoken word piece, so, much like songs, properly placed clichés create a needed sense of familiarity that actually helps draw the listener in. That is precisely the case here, as you’ve worked the expression into a very fresh and edgy piece. Well done.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I do think, though, that you need to get rid of the “So.” It makes this feel more like a conclusion than an opening.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> One thing I will point out right off the bat is that this piece has very inconsistent punctuation. Now, this isn’t a major issue since this is actually intended to be spoken rather than read, but since you’re delivering it here in a read-only format, I think it would make it easier for the reader if it was consistently punctuated. Up to you though, and like I said, not a major thing.


I've got an ignorant preacher trying to burn the Quran

No Hijab in France because those are ban

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> The rhyme here really falls flat, and that’s jarring and distracting. “Those are ban” simply doesn’t make sense, and I think you could rearrange this in way that keeps the ideas intact and makes the rhyme flow better, thus create a more tangible impact. What about something like “France won’t let us keep our hijabs on,” or something similar? (Just an example, and a poor one at that, haha. I’m sure you can think up something much better).


Bill O'Reilly says 9/11 is an Islamic blame

With slander like that it just degrades his fame

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> The message in this rhyming couplet isn’t as strong as the previous one, and I think that its “punch factor” needs to be upped as this is very early on in this piece – i.e. this is where the audience decides if they’re going to pay attention to the rest of the performance. Why is it weak? That’s a bit hard to pinpoint, but I think part of it is that you focus the effect of O’Reilly’s slanderous comments on his career instead of on the harmful societal effect such propagandic statements can have. I mean, do we really care if Bill O’Reilly becomes less famous? I know I wouldn’t care if he never appeared on TV again. I do care, however, that his statements cause real social negativity and suffering for people.


Let's bring this Islamic hate to a zero

No I'm not a revolutionist or a hero

I just want to witness a mosque be built near ground zero

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> This section’s a bit awkward as well. The first line is fantastic, and the second is as well. The latter, however, might read better with a “Now” instead of a “No.” The third is where things get a bit hairy. This is your first break in the successive couplet rhyming scheme, and the repetition of zero seems a bit much. The third line is also long and rhythmically clunky. Perhaps it could be reworked over two lines that rhyme with each other?


My questions is how do you get people to understand this faith called Islam

When the media would cram

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Same problem with the first line here: a bit too long and thus rhythmically clunky. It’s also a bit wordy, and its rhythm could probably be improved by cutting out all those little words. What about something like: “How can people understand Islam / When the media crams”?


Bias ideas done by fanatics

Who's tactics

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> “Ideas done” seems like an awkward way of stating things. Maybe “professed,” “preached,” or a similar word?

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> “Who’s” should be “Whose.” Just a wee little grammatical nitpick. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/let…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Lick)"/>


Are to find

The mind

Of less educated

And leave their brains contaminated

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I feel like these four lines could be condensed into two if you merged their ideas a bit. Something like “Find minds less educated / Leave brains contaminated.” Sorry to make overt suggestions like this. I know some people really don’t like that, so sorry if it bugs you! I’m just not sure of any other way to get my point across. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Blush"/> <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>


With extremist ideals

Yet part of society feels

That Islam is a national threat

Well if that's their mind set

No wonder we're persecuted which is no fun

Now with all this Islamphobia I hold my tongue

I've got ninety-nine problems but Islam isn't one

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> No problems at all with this last bit, with the exception of the “which is no fun line.” I feel like that sounds a little juvenile, like a forced rhyme. I’d suggest reworking this so that you can figure out a different way to rhyme without that expression.


Hit me

Ninety-nine problems but Islam isn't one

If you're Islamophobic I feel bad for you son

I've got ninety-nine problems but Islam isn't one

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> No issues here. Also, I love the conversational tone of this refrain, created by the “son/one” rhyme. Rad.


The years 2008

I'm at the airport and in a line I wait

Holding a ticket with my travel necessities bagged

Then I show my passport to the clerk and hear "Sir I'm afraid you've been red flagged"

At this point I'm pissed and about to put up a fuss

Then behind me I hear "Sir I'm afraid you're coming with us"

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I like this personal story added into the middle of this piece. Gives it all very personal touch and drives the point home that much more. Really well thought out.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> However, I do feel like the piece loses some of its edge throughout this section mostly because it gets a little too wordy. Try to cut out prepositions and little words when and where you can, and that should help this. It’ll also augment the conversational tone of piece, which’ll definitely benefit it as a spoken word performance piece. I’ve struck-through some of the unnecessary words above, but this crit applies to the whole section. You might also choose to remove more (or less) words, depending on your own thoughts on this.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> I also think this section might be better introduced if you used an expression like this to open it: “Picture this: the year’s 2008.”


They both looked like they were MIB

But hardly looked like Will Smith or Tommy Lee

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> MIB is a good counterpoint to FBI, but I do worry about how well-known this acronym is now. Maybe writing out “Men in black” and reworking the rhyme would be better? But I’m not sure about this one. Hmmm.


It was the FBI when one showed me his I.D

Next minuet they brought me to a room and sat me down

At this point vain on my forehead throbbed while I frowned

Then one of them locked the door

And then turned to me and said "Sir do you know what we stopped you for?"

"Maybe it's the beard, the Taqiyah or that my names Moe or should I guess more?

Or maybe I look like an Al Qaeda member and that you just can't ignore?"

He smirked while his partner sighed

He then gave me a dirty look and replied

"We have records that show you travel a lot

And most these places are known terrorist spots"

"And you guys think I'm a terrorist with a plot?"

At this point I'm red in the face

Then I yelled out "So what, I got family all over the world and every place!"

But I could see that they didn't believe me with their poker face

"Well sir will see if you're telling the truth once the polygraphs done"

I've got ninety-nine problems but Islam isn't one

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Underlined a view misspellings here in the section above. Nothing major.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> “I’ve got ninety-nine problems but Islam isn’t one” seems awkward here, since for the people interrogating you, Islam is a problem (or rather, they view it as one). What if you turned it around here, and point out that for them, Islam is a problem. Something like “They’ve got ninety-nine problem, and for them, Islam is one,” said wryly of course. This would add quite a bit of impact and punch, too, I think. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title="Nod"/>



Hit me

Ninety-nine problems but Islam isn't one

If you're Islamophobic I feel bad for you son

I've got ninety-nine problems but Islam isn't one


No more suicide bombings

No more beheadings

No more disrespect to the Quran

Or any insults on the faith of Islam

But no Islam isn't something society wants to handle

They would rather see us in Guantanamo with my arms shackled

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Second to last line here seems a bit clunky, and in the last, the number of your subjects doesn’t agree. It should be either “rather see me…my arms shackled,” or “rather see us…our arms shackled.”


Then they want to blacklist us from taking a plane

But it doesn't stop there because that also means a boat and a train

No I won't fly a plane into your sanctuary or safe place

But piss me off with your rude remarks then I will put in your place

With my knuckles flying directly to your face

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/p/p…" width="11" height="10" alt="" title="Point Right"/> Okay, as an activist and general peace-lovin’ no violence hippie, I kinda disagree with this approach. I think the best way to fight hate and fire is with love and a cool, refreshing drink! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="15" height="15" alt="" title=" (Wink)"/> I feel like violent behaviour, while tempting in the face of prejudice and discrimination, only makes the prejudiced and discriminatory people feel as if their views are right. But I think it’s just a difference in philosophy on my part, so this isn’t really a crit per se, just an observation/discussion. Do with it what you will. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>

And I won’t bother going through the rest because I feel like you’ve ended this piece really strongly.

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All in all, this was pleasure to read. It was emotional and angry, but also well-thought-out and intellectual. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to read such a relevant social comment and critique of contemporary North American society. Thanks for writing this, and for so eloquently raising awareness. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="45" height="20" alt="" title="High-five!"/>

And remember, don’t feel obliged to take any of my suggestions, but if you do, and you post an new version of this, please note <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/n/n…" width="14" height="14" alt="" title="Note"/> me with it as I’d love to look at it. And if you have a recorded performance of this, please send it my way, too!

Much love and well wishes,
tazz. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/h/h…" width="15" height="13" alt="" title="Heart"/>